The SandGram

The Konkulators, Be afraid, Be VERY AFRAID

Hey guys, sometimes I admit that I’m a bit of a jerk, and this next story isn’t so much that I’m a total jerk now, but that I was just a stupid, single-guy-type jerk at the time. Having four children now, I understand how important it is to be careful what you say in front of the little ones.

Well, back in Cherry Point in the early 90s, my old roommate married a wonderful gal named Laura who had two of the greatest kids in the world, Sean and Morgan. They were a handful at times, but a lot of fun to be around for the most part. As the single guy, it was my duty to go over for my free bachelor appreciation meals, get the kids all riled up right before bedtime, and then go home leaving them in the hyper-mode. This worked great till one night when Keith and Laura had to run to the store, and asked if I would baby-sit the kids, aged seven and five. I was on my way home from work when I had stopped by for a beer. “Sure, no problem,” for how hard could these kids be compared to a bunch of 19-year-old Lance Corporals?

I truly don’t remember how it happened, but I do remember being engrossed in my warmed up short ribs that Laura (expert chef) had heated up for me. The two kids were playing in the next room, and then they decided to attack uncle Taco. This attack lasted a bit longer then I wanted and interrupted my dinner. They were like little animals and I couldn’t get them to calm down, so I grabbed both of them, pulled them real tight into my chest and told them “Shhhhhhhhuuuuuussshhhhhhhhh” in a real low voice while looking up at the central air vents in the room. I released them and asked, with a look of panic on my face, “Did you hear that???” I took my knife and walked over to one of the vents, and put a chair up against the wall to climb up and peek into the vent with my knife poised as if I would stab something. They were both staring at me, mouths open and not a sound coming from their throats. I think they could hear their hearts pounding away as the minutes passed by.

I then climbed down, put the chair back, and went on with devouring those awesome ribs. I didn’t say a word as I kept looking up at the vent and then back at them. They slowly moved over to the other side of the table, looking at the vent, and then back at me when Sean the oldest, asked, “What were you looking at up there?” I shook my head and said, “Sorry, I can’t tell you.” This, of course, made them want to know even more. “Why can’t you tell me?” I looked at him and said, “Sean, it’s not in my place to talk about it; when your folks get home, you can ask them.”

Once again, I had silence and thought maybe now I could finish my meal. Then they started bugging me about the vent. I broke down, and told them about the Konkulators. “See kids, the Konkulators are fearsome little creatures that migrated from the swamps of Florida to North Carolina. They are about as big as a raccoon with super long claws and razor sharp teeth with a bottomless pit for a stomach. They like to climb into a house by way of the chimney, and get into the central air vent system from there. When they find a kids room, they back the screws off with those long claws, and climb into the room while the children are asleep.” Sean had eyes about the size of silver dollars now, and Morgan was standing there with her mouth wide open, both hands ready to cover her eyes and brown curls of hair poking out from between her fingers.

“The bad part about these guys,” I continue, “Is that they get a hold of kids while they are sleeping, and then suck the bones out of their body so it’s easier to pull the flabby exoskeleton up into the vents. They take the boneless bodies back to their nest and let the others feed on them. Sometimes at night, if you hear something creaking up in the vents, it could be them.” I finally now had silence, and started peeling the meat off the bone with my teeth while darting my eyes up to the vents. The door opened a few minutes after that, and in walked Keith and Laura.

Putting my plate in the sink, I kissed Laura on the cheek to thank her for dinner, and slapped Keith on the back with a “Have to go” then I turned to the kids and said, “Hey guys, you be good, love ya.” I drove the 15 miles west back to my house in New Bern. Two hours later, I think it was around 10 pm, the phone rang and I answered with my normal, “Good evening, New Bern suicide hotline, can I put you on hold please?” This was before caller ID of course. On the other end was Laura. She was hot enough to melt all the snow in Iceland. “You idiot, did you really tell my kids that there was an animal out there called a Konkulator?” I started to chuckle in a low voice, “Yeah Laura, I’m sorry, I was just playing with them. Put them on the phone, and I’ll tell them that I was just kidding.” She wasn’t having any of that. “No way, you get in your car and drive down here this very minute.”

I looked at my clock, and figured it would be twenty minutes down there at this time of night, and I had to get up early in the morning for a flight. “Sorry Laura can’t do it. I’ll stop by in the afternoon on the way home. Just tell them I was kidding.” We went back and forth for about five more minutes before she put my old roommate on. Keith in his slow drawl, said, “Hey Taco, Laura is really pissed off. You’d better come down here. Morgan wants her to tape up all the air vents in the house and Sean is sleeping with a small baseball bat and the light on in the hallway.” I thought no big deal, “Keith, I’ll take the hit; I have to sleep for that form flight in the morning. Sorry for all the trouble.”

Needless to say, that was the last meal I had over there for a long time. I’ll have you know though, Sean is a 2nd Lt in the Marines and just returned from a tour in Iraq where he was happy they don’t have central A/C and Morgan has grown into a fine young lady going to school here in Texas. I hear they still have nightmares of Konkulators, and I get threats from Laura that she will send Morgan down to baby-sit my kids. Oh well, lesson learned, never let a single guy watch your kids…especially one with an over-active imagination.  Happy Halloween folks and have a Snickers bar for me and remember, when you hear your vents creaking as you lay there staring at the ceiling, it may not be the house now that you know the TRUE story about the Konkulators…

Semper Fi,

Taco

Tags: cherry point, Halloween, How to scare kids