Everyone Poops, so have a nice Bidet
May 18th, 2008 Posted in The SandGram v1.0
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Dear Gang,
You know there are some basic human needs that have to be fulfilled no matter where you are. I guess as you travel the world, figuring out where you go to fertilize the local gardens is something that everyone has to do. Like my daughters book “Everyone Poops” this is one of those things that fascinates me to no end. I guess because you have all extremes over here from a porta potty which everyone knows how to use, to the modified comfort trailers (fairly normal), followed by the Afghani bathroom. Now they are broken up into two types, the ole hole in the ground or if you are lucky, you get the two imprinted foot spots or my favorite, the “ledge” toilet.
I’m convinced though that whoever came up with the toilet system here also owns stock or their brother owns the local toilet brush company. They build these things with a ledge directly below where your bottom sits and when you flush, water comes rushing down, moving your pile across the ledge and into the abyss. Sometimes this takes two flushes, depending on if you ate the local vegetables or not. I guess they want a really good look at what they had for breakfast that day. This process is ALWAYS messy and requires the use of a brush to scrub away the streaks. Of course this isn’t something that is around when you need it, so you have to buy one. I’m sure the last guy threw his away (I would) and figured you would want a brush of your very own. So Ackmed and Mohammod, I know you two are making a fortune off these brushes and toilets.
Now my house (older place) on 1995 JaOki Street here at Camp Adams has a bidet and a toilet. “How does one use this?” yes, I sometimes think and ponder as I’m sitting, so when I was done, I called my interpreter named Jim into the bathroom “Jim, tell me about this, how does one use this bidet? I mean, do you sort of shuffle over and then wash?” He smiled and replied in his heavy accent “Muslims must pray five times a day and be clean, so they don’t have time for a shower, thus, they wash their bottoms here.” He smiled and followed that with “Sometimes their feet too.”
Well, at least their toilets don’t have the robotic arm that comes out from inside the seat and sears your orifice with 120 degree water enema like the Japanese one I encountered and caused me not to sit right for a week. Or the slit trench in China that my buddy was huddled over one dark November night and nearly fell in after a Pig in the bottom of this pit put his head up under his rear and licked the crack of his Arse. That incident soon became the motto for where ever we were at the time… “I’d rather let a pig lick the crack of my back, then be here…” Says a lot when you think about it.
Well, I hope that this didn’t ruin your chow this morning. You all have a super day and remember “to wipe twice because there are germs you can’t even pronounce about to launch a devastating attack on your body that would render you useless in a time of war.” The Great Santini
Semper Fi,
Taco
Tags: Afghanistan, bathrooms, thinking hat
31 Responses to “Everyone Poops, so have a nice Bidet”
By chtrbx on May 18, 2008
TMI! Taco!!…
By Helen on May 18, 2008
You mean that pig I saw 20 years ago was real??? All these years, I thought it was just a nightmare
Stay safe!
By akinoluna on May 18, 2008
That was gross. I liked it! Haha…pig licking your crack…haha
By Leta on May 18, 2008
Well one thing seems to be certain ~ you’re doing OK. No change in your wicked sense of humor and story telling.
Too Funny!
By Karen I. on May 18, 2008
Thanks for the interesting info,Taco. You might want to figure out a magic trick so you don’t need to carry that brush everywhere you “go”.
By TexasFred on May 18, 2008
Proving once again…
Poop happens…
By Pincher on May 18, 2008
Lt Col Sir:
Damn, I sure needed a good laugh today.
Sure as hell got one one with this story.
Yep, we can count on you for our basic potty training!
By Lil Red DFW on May 18, 2008
Title of book “Poop Around the World” Stay safe.
By "ACE" Troop Supporter on May 18, 2008
Lols, Big Time,I thought CNN’s Big Story for Armed Forces Day online about the Air Force’s New and Improved AMXD product for the Fighter Pilots was Interesting
You have a Great Week ahead LTC Bell.
Take care.
By donna, Los Osos, CA on May 19, 2008
Magic tricks, and toliets that double as foot washers. You Marines really do see the world!
Take care, and keep your feet clean!
By concetebob on May 20, 2008
Reminds me of the movie Crocodile Dundee and his first stay at an uptown hotel. I guess not having Linda Koslowski to explain it made it tough for you.
S/F Sir.
By Mrs. Tutwiler, GyQuilter on May 21, 2008
Taco,
I’m so glad to see you wearing your helmut in the potty — you just never know when you’ll need it.
By thebronze on May 21, 2008
“And if you EVER attack a senior officer again, I’ll have you court martialed!”
The Great Santini rules!
By Callee on May 21, 2008
Thank you for making me laugh! Thank you thank you thank you!
By JihadGene on May 21, 2008
My first tour (overseas) was in Korea…I thought W.C. stood for “women and children”.
Naturally I just pissed on a wall, like all the other Korean men and Billy Carter.
Ruv You Looong Time!
Great Reader JihadGene
By exhelodrvr on May 21, 2008
The “ledge toilets” are used in Germany (or at least used to be) - makes for a much more aromatic bathroom experience.
By Missy on May 21, 2008
So I see that the Germans have been to Afghanistan and implanted their toilets - thanks for the laugh! It took me back to my days in Germany … I didn’t really want to go there - oy!
By Sprocket on May 21, 2008
This “ledge” you speak of…we called that the “observation deck”. God Speed
By FbL on May 22, 2008
Very weird toilets–the ledge. Seem like they just took the “regular” Western toilet and turn it 180 degrees. Weird!
By CeeCee on May 22, 2008
Those ledge toilets are indeed German …. designed to satisfy their anal desire to monitor the state of their health by consulting their plumbing throughput daily. Don’t know if it’s still done, but there once was a time when they had to ship specimens annually to the Government so it could be assured of the state of the nation’s health.
As to how it got to Afghanistan, it’s likely via the Russian influence: after WWII, the Russians notoriously decamped not only with as many of Germany’s scientists, technicians and engineers they could round up, but also all of the plumbing they could rip off.
By Baiteater on May 22, 2008
Also known as the “poo ‘n view”.
By kenny on May 22, 2008
everyone poops.
indeed!
things are a little bit different in Tennessee though:
http://tnrunning.com/articles/milner/everyone_poops.html
Semper Flies
By kenny on May 22, 2008
everyone poops.
indeed!
things are a little bit different in Tennessee though:
http://tnrunning.com/articles/milner/everyone_poops.html
Semper Flies!
By lela on May 22, 2008
Is that really a helmet you’re wearing in those pictures or is that a really “thinking cap?”
By Parker on May 22, 2008
Taco,
your still as sick as the first day I met you. I am sure your parents wonder where they went wrong. Hope your poo is looking good, take care and stay safe with that sick mind of yours.
P
By Matt on May 23, 2008
I’ve heard these referred to before as “smugglers’ toilets“, because they enable you (if you are a smuggler) to fish the goods from your leavings before flushing.
By Just John on May 23, 2008
Reminds me of those crazy toilets in Tokyo…don’t press the wrong button!
I like the helmet Taco; the horns are a nice touch!
Semper Fi
By asupporter4ever on May 24, 2008
ok…I’m speechless…I thought the Japanese commode story was hilarious and it kept running through my mind while reading about your newest bathroom experience…you know it’s the child in you coming out…really…haven’t you noticed when children go to visit they always have to visit and explore the bathrooms, they are fascinated by them…wellll…it’s the child in you coming out or sustained…whatever the case may be…it made for interesting reading and my heart muscles are a bit stronger from the chuckling…the WWII helmet is unique but then again so is the wearer…good to know you have not lost your sense of humor…take care taco and again thanks for sharing the knowledge of your life experiences…God Bless!
By Kevin on May 25, 2008
Try laying down a few squares of TP on the shelf before pooping. It’ll reduce friction and streaking.
Another hazard: if you pee on them wrong, you can get serious splashback.
For some those toilets are fairly rare in Germany. At least here in the south.
By Taco Bell on May 26, 2008
Man, you all are right on…I like the smugglers explaination the best. You could just see someone digging around on that ledge for the stolen ring. Putting some paper down is also a great tip and saves on the scrubbing bubbles. ha!! Thanks Guys for reading.
/SF
Taco
By "ACE" Troop Supporter on May 30, 2008
I would have to say that the Horned Helmet would be for any Future
“Running With The Bulls”
Also a Good Thinking Hat while Reading,lols.
Have a Good Weekend.